And because of all those things, we like to hide away from it. In our little, limited, familiar bubble, there is nothing unknown. We can handle what we find there because it’s normal. Expected. VISIBLE.
Of course, it can also be terrifying but one is better than four, right?
And yet we miss so much, hidden away on our little island. Some of what reaches us seems so terrifying, why would we want to seek out more?
But there is much more than terror out there. Last Friday I realised I had been afraid. Last Saturday I decided to face my fear. Today I have over nine and a half thousand words written on a new book.
The hardest part came just before the easiest part. Stepping up to that ledge, preparing myself to look down into the abyss – that ranked among one of the hardest things I have ever done. What if I looked down and found it bottomless? Would I fall? Would I have the courage to leap?
In the end, I never found out. Steeling myself to look was the hardest thing. Because when I looked and truly opened my eyes, I found it was deep, yes, but not bottomless. I could see the bottom and it was closer than I’d believed. Because I had sunk lower in my fear than I had wanted to admit.
Which was, in the end, a good thing. When you’re already close to rock bottom, there is very little that can scare you.
So I looked up. And remembered a story. And started writing it.
And it’s… fun. And terrifying and in some ways overwhelming but mostly… fun. The terror and overwhelm stem from the fact that I’m actually doing it. I’m writing. Today I went to work after the weekend and feared I might not write. So I decided to write this morning so at least I’d have done something. Then I feared the words wouldn’t come. They came.
Then I feared I wouldn’t be able to write this evening because I was tired. I did a bit but it was slow. So I shouted out on Twitter for anyone interested in doing a writing sprint. They came. We wrote. My demons were conquered.
For today, at least. Tomorrow is another day. But victory begets victory and I’m… I’m starting to feel like a winner. Like a writer.
[NB – this was written last night – by now I hope to have even more words :)]